As we all know there is a great deal of hype about who can produce the fastest road car, how quickly it goes from 0-60, etc. So the fastest road car at the moment is the Bugatti Veron… or is it still the Maclaren F1? No matter, both go at over 200 miles an hour but what use is one of these beasts on the actual road? Well… not much… not with speed limits, speed cameras and granny driving her Honda Civic round to her kid’s for lunch…

Having done a 100 mile round trip for a christening, today, mostly down the M25, I can confirm that the four fastest cars on the road today are actually as follows…

A hired car or even better, a hired VAN
So what if you left the oil cap off at the last services and are doing the whole journey at 9,000 revs, it’s not yours and with any luck it won’t break completely until after you’ve given it back and are long gone.

A white van
When you are in the fast lane, doing 90 you don’t expect one of these to come up behind you and sit so close on your bumper you begin to wonder if the guy is trying to trap a credit card he’s accidentally dropped out of his window against it. You should.

Anything with an italicised number plate.
Also a top contender for the highest amount of money spent on a car for the smallest increase in value, this one. Yes it’s metallic purple it has an enormous spoiler and a full body kit but don’t be fooled, it’s not a Sierra Cosworth. That’s a standard 1.1 litre Ford Diesel engine in there. It will have taken at least 20 miles to get from a standing start to the speed, just short of escape velocity, which it’s doing now. It’s driven by a lad in a baseball cap who believes that the speed and volume of the drum n bass he plays directly affects the quickness of his car. Don’t forget there’s a strong possibility that he has customised more than the body, the stereo system and the exhaust, chances are those bright red brake callipers are his work, too. Get out of the way, the only thing stopping this car is going to be the back of yours.

Any Volkswagen except the Beetle.
Yep if you drive with the aggression of German foreign policy in the late 1930s you are almost certain to have gone for a German car; a beamer or an Audi for example. However, if you are an absolute, raving, barking lunatic and drive with levels of aggression that makes the way the Taliban treat their women folk look cuddly, your choice of car will undoubtedly be a VW. Just as “the car in front of you is a toyota” the car behind you – the one tailgating you at so closely, even at well over the speed limit, that you are beginning to wonder if the guy is going to actually park it inside your boot or whether it got hooked onto your bumper somehow at the last set of traffic lights – is a Volkswagen.

If you have ever thought about having the word “nutter” tattoed on your forehead but worry that it might be a little distracting at job interviews and adversely affect your career then not to worry. You can still send out the same message, just buy a VW Golf… or a Bora. It’s a little more expensive but no less eloquent.