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A Wee Story 23, May 2006

Posted by babychaos in Play.
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Hello again, I've spent a lot of time in hospitals recently so I thought I'd share this lovely story from my overnight stay in February…. if you don't like disgusting stories please don't read it! The rest of you, enjoy….

They'd stuck this draining thing in my knee joint to get rid of all the crud so I wasn't allowed to walk about. As I'd had a cup of herbal tea at 0645 and nothing else I wasn't too bothered about needing a wee but of course, I hadn't taken the pints and pints of stuff they pumped into me while I was having the op into account.

Anyway, there I am and the very nice and luckily humorous nurse is chatting away and I find I won't be able to move before 6pm.

"Hmm…" I think, "there may be a bed pan moment in the offing." Well naturally, I boiled it for as long as I could – these things are so embarrassing – and then finally succumbed at about 4pm. Bedpan inserted, no problem there although it's scary the way it sinks into the mattress and wobbles around I'm glad I do off road rollerblading, it makes balancing on wobbly things that much easier… anyway, I weed and weed and weed until well…. until I filled it pretty much up to the top. In short, the high water had covered the rocks, the fill level was higher than my level so I had two nice warm but also rather damp cheeks.

Oh great. Never mind, Sarah Mills drinks her first pee of the day and it's supposed to be good for your skin….

So now, bearing in mind I'm to put NO weight WHATSOEVER on the left leg I've got to lift myself off the bed pan without spilling any move it out of the way and wipe off a lot more than I was bargaining for before I can sit down on the nice clean dry bed sheet because I want it to stay that way. It's a novel experience to wish you are an octopus, let's face it, they're slimy, cold blooded and not the most attractive creatures on earth but they do have all those useful arms… Not only that but my husband has just visited me with a thermos flask of contraband filter coffee so my outpourings also smell like the inside of Starbucks on a rainy day.

In comes the nurse.

"Bloody hell!" She says when I proffer the pan.

"I know! " I say, assuming, hopefully, that she is referring to the amount rather than the caffinous aroma and I forbear to tell her about my problem with the fill levels. Carefully, because it's pretty much on the meniscus, she moves it to the tray table thing but when she moves the tray table its wheel hits one of the many bits of metal sticking out under the bed. We both watch, in horror as a small yellow tsunami moves across the surface and over the side although luckily not on to the bed or me, only the floor and the tray table. The poor woman had to get loads of paper towel and clear it up while we giggled helplessly about numbers of pints and breaking the seal and how I didn’t think I’d needed to go THAT badly…..

So the moral of this story is… Actually, I'm not sure what the moral is, maybe that the more you try to avoid an embarrassing situation, the more embarrassing it's likely to be… or perhaps it's don't read my blog while you're having your tea.

Pipple Toot

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