jump to navigation

Not in the mood… 8, December 2006

Posted by babychaos in Heavy Flow, Miscarriage.
Tags: , , , ,

I’m not in the mood for Christmas. When I was a kid it was great, full of excitement and fun. All it means now is guilt. Guilt that I’m not with my Mum and Dad or guilt that we’re not with Mr BC’s. It’s not that the day, itself, isn’t fun just that the guilt and the worry are the overriding things. Guilt that there might be a family member we haven’t sent a card to, visitied or contacted. It’s one long drag of worrying about other people’s feelings. Have we anticipated them, have we done it right, have we hurt them?

We go to one set of parents or the other and fit in with their routine or sometimes they come to us in which case we have to re-create their routine here. I don’t want to get it wrong, I want them to enjoy it, so although bits are fun I find my overriding emotion is stress. It’s selfish and mean to want a year where we get to do it our own way, with our own routine and in our own home but I do. We’re supposed to get a kick out of making other people feel good. Looking out for others is what Christmas is all about. In reality it just makes me weary and worried and I’m glad when it’s all over.

This year, we were up for our first guilt-free Christmas. We would be spending it in our own home, with a new baby. We had an excuse to make it our own. But there is no new baby and Christmas is the way it always was. And there’s no new baby. So it’s harder. And I keep crying, quietly behind the scenes. Yet another thing to hide behind my veneer of good cheer because I don’t want Christmas to be the same time of guilt and worry for other people that it is for me and if they know I’m sad it will be.

Maudlin, aren’t I? But this is a blog and this is what blogs are for. I dump this stuff here where it can’t do any harm, where it might make somebody else in the same boat feel less alone and a bit more normal and human. And I get on with being jolly BC who’s always fun and makes lots of jokes and is great with kids and never sad.

Here are some great words, they’re not great poetry and they’re actually about Love but they do the trick, written by the Man Himself, Mr Neil Hannon – or the Divine Comedy as he is also known.

“I found a photograph of you and me
Drinking sangria somewhere by the sea
There’s laughter in our eyes and dreams in our hearts
Before life waded in and tore it all apart

But when there’s no more lies to hide behind
And no more tears to cry. I know we’ll be all right.
Even though the skies are dark and cold and grey
I’m sure tomorrow we will see the light of day.

I found some letters from a happier time
I smelt the scented pages and re-read the lines
Why must the summer always turn into the Fall
Why must we lose love to ever know love at all….

When there’s no more lies to hide behind
And no more tears to cry. I know I’ll be all right.
For even though the skies above and cold and grey
I’m sure tomorrow we will see the light of day.

The light of day…. shining through our window pane.

But when there’s no more light to hide behind
And no more tears to cry. I know we’ll be all right.
For even though the skies above are cold and grey
I’m sure tomorrow we will see the light of day.

The light of day…. shining through our window pane.”

Ah yes. Thank you Mr Hannon. That’s my philosophy exactly. I know I’ll be all right I just have to wade through this bit to get from there to here.

Onwards and upwards eh?



1. lea alissa - 8, December 2006

I get it, I get it completely. We also have that my mum his mum kind of thing going, so for the last two years we’ve been together, we’ve spent christmas apart. Each with his own family, and own family routine. He would pick me up from my parents’ house the moment he’s done, and then we have a tiny celebration that’s just us. All I’ve ever wanted was our own. This year my family kicked me out, so..I’m forced to go with him to his family thing. Even when his mum’s not going to be there. So, I don’t know what’s going to happen really, my plan is to think happy thoughts until it’s over and we’re back home doing our thing.

Mine was due January 2007. I should be bursting at the seams by now. But I’m not. Onwards and upwards sounds sooooooo simple. I never heard of anything harder at the moment. While looking at toys today I saw some things I would’ve loved to get for Sabin (I actually named her..) and it felt like my insides wre being shredded. I wonder what January will be like..I feel for you BC, I really do. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I’ve never really heard anything that worked.

I hope Mr. BC makes you smile or even laugh inspite of all this. 🙂

2. lea alissa - 8, December 2006

oh gosh, I thought ‘maudlin’ was a slang for something..but it’s a real word! They have on the Webster! (and I’m so surprised because??) You really help me improve my limited vocabulary BC. Thanks! 🙂

3. babychaos - 8, December 2006

Hey, just saying what you said helped. I’m really sorry your family kicked you out – we had the his and mine thing until we got married and then the strict alternation policy started! I feel for you too.

I would be lost without Mr BC and I get the impression your Mr is pretty cool, too. We’re pretty lucky you and I, it must be grim for people with less sympathetic partners!

I find it really helps to know somebody else is going through this, that I’m not alone. I hope the knowledge that I’m here helps you too. I will be rooting for you in January.

Take care you – and thanks.



4. lea alissa - 9, December 2006


yeah, my Mister is pretty cool, but I’ve been calling him barmy since..hahaha..(your way with words is just so different from ours..and it all sounds very cool, I can’t explain why..)

thanks BC. it helps, really. and your stories and art..

Think happy thoughts!

5. babychaos - 9, December 2006

Bless you mate! You too! Hang in there!



6. Mrs. Nicklebee - 10, December 2006

Now “maudlin” I have heard before!

I’ve been pondering your post since Friday but I didn’t really know what to say at the time. I hate to say something stupid at this time of sorrow and I have no idea what you must be going through but I also want you to know you’re in my thoughts and prayers, for whatever that’s worth.

You didn’t ask for my opinion of the holiday/family tradition vs. doing our own thing guilt but I will give it anyway.

It’s natural when you haven’t broken from tradition and done your own thing to feel guilty. Try not to give in to that, though, if there’s something you’d really rather do instead. Sure, there’s a certain amount of give when it comes to special times, what with wanting everyone to feel loved and cared for by you, but it’s totally okay to come up with your own traditions. There’s nothing selfish about that.

Something else I was thinking about this afternoon as I was sitting at my sewing machine that my parents and Mr. Nicklebee’s gave me for Christmas 15 years ago is that it’s natural for parents not to be too crazy about their kids sort of breaking away. If you decide to do something different, and I hope that you will seriously consider it for your own sake, particularly this year, they may be perturbed but they’ll get over it and I’m sure they’ll understand once they get over the emotion of missing out on you at the traditional time and place. And if they don’t get over it, oh well. And just because you want to do something of your own this year, doesn’t mean you are wanting to dispense with all traditions, I’m sure.

Sometimes we married people/people with kids forget that singles/people without children in the home have lives. We sometimes take for granted that you have nothing better to do than to bend to our will and always do things our way. Shame on us! I don’t know how much you feel free to share with your families about your loss, but I wonder if they might be supportive of you doing something different this time if you just tell them that you’d like to deviate from the norm this year.

Oh, and if you’ve forgotten to send me a Christmas card and a fairly substantial gift, I forgive you. 😉

Merry Christmas, (((((BC))))).

7. Geldoff - 10, December 2006

It’s sad to hear that this is normally a difficult time of year for you, and particularly so this year, and I feel for you.
Personally I ‘gave up’ celebrating Christmas some 20 years ago and each year I feel glad that I did. Now please don’t mistake me for a bah-humbug because I’m not; I have NO problem with anyone else celebrating Christmas – have a great time!
I stopped celebrating Christmas for the following reasons:
1. I am happily atheist following a CofE upringing so the religious bit doesn’t work for me. (Also, if I didn’t need to observe the bank holidays I would move them to dates that suited me: in the summer!)
2. Christmas is now, and has been for a while, a cynically commercialised festival.
3. Chistmas is the most stressful time of any year (probably because we’re so busy beating ourselves up about largely insignificant things) and by not celebrating it I step past all of that stress in one motion. Bliss.
4. The ’embrace everyone’ feeling behind Christmas is excellent but I don’t need to feel that I have to do it on cue; I’d like to think that I do that spontaneously throughout the year anyway, which perhaps enhances its sincerity. Same goes for giving prezzies.
5. To treat Chistmas Day like any other day keeps me very happy.

I understand that Christmas day is great for families and kids, I’m pretty sure I used to be one :-), so I’m definitely not against it per se. I just enjoy me not doing the ‘Christmas thang’.

I’m totally happy if you disagree with my view and please feel utterly free to mutter very rude things under your breath – and even extend to a loudish hrrrmph or two because it’s important to me that, in the final analysis, we’re all as happy as we can be provided that we don’t adversely affect anyone else. (Now where did I put my other soap box? 😉

I sincerely hope that you and Mr BC have a stress-free and thoroughly enjoyable Christmas after all!

8. babychaos - 11, December 2006

Hey guys. Thank you so much for being so very kind. I greatly appreciate your support!

I doubt we can do something else at this late stage and with the strict alternation thing it would mean we’d have to do something else next year too or it’d be unfair on Mr BC’s parents – yes, I know, barking it is but we have this thing about being FAIR.

That said, Mrs N, your words about being a parent and the letting go thing are very much appreciated. Mine are slightly better letter go-ers than his but I think that’s more to do with the levels of communication between him and his and me and mine than any actual resistance on their part.

Mr G, your points number 4 and 2 describe how Mr BC and I feel about Valentine’s day. That said, while I hate Valentine’s Day with a passion I really do enjoy Christmas when it’s fun and relaxing and I don’t have to get in a bloody car and slog to the ends of the earth only to find, when I get there, that I’ve forgotten to pack any pants/deoderant/the presents – insert embarrassing omission of choice ;-).

I wish we had the balls to apply the elegant, sensible solution you do – maybe one day we will – but I think it’s too late to do it this year, though, without really hurting people… protocol for the subsequent Christmas is usually established at about the end of January (!).

I guess there’s a kind of unwritten rule that once you have kids, you’re allowed to stay home and do your own thing. And because of that, I guess it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that both sets of parents realise how we feel this year. Maybe that will help and maybe this is the time we can plant the odd seed of an idea – ie that, at some point we’re going to want to start doing this alone, together – and let it grow – we have got to the point where, some years, they come and stay with us so that’s better progress than a lot of folks and something to be thankful for.

It’s not a problem to be somewhere else for “the day” either. It’s the fact it involves slogging miles and miles over clogged British Motorways – always a special kind of hell at the best of times! So we feel as bad about making them do it as we feel about doing it, ourselves.

Ah Rock on the StarTrek transporter eh?

9. Geldoff - 11, December 2006

“Beam me up, Sw**ry.” :o)

10. babychaos - 12, December 2006


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: