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Don’t Look at me, I Can’t Smell it… 21, December 2006

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Life and living, Light Fluff.
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It’s not just me that has a cold. If the evidence of the hairdresser’s this morning is anything to go by it’s the people who who have NOT metamorphosed into itchy-throated, phlegm-belching volcanoes who are in the minority.

This is the time of year most of us, here in Britain, really get into the swing of spreading pathogens just in time to exchange them, with our gifts, at Christmas, I suppose. Until recently, I tended to catch my first cold in about October and then with an average of about two weeks off between each one I would go right through the winter in a state of almost permanent congestion, a bit like Britain’s roads, only not.

Recently this seems to have worn off. I’m not sure whether it’s down to the incredibly virulent flu I had five years ago (my parents came for Christmas gave it to me, I gave it to Mr BC and Mr BC’s parents. Where was I at the turn of the century? In bed with a temperature of 102) or whether not doing real work, in an office, for a living has affected me but whatever it is, I’m not complaining.

It might be down to my new “cure” which almost works. You’ve heard of Phil Spectre’s Wall of Sound no? Well this is my personal variant WALL OF MENTHOL. The loudest smell on earth… at this time. It’s great for me. I don’t have to smell it. I can’t. It stops me coughing but I think a whole winter of it would be pushing my husband’s tolerance levels and perhaps, the boundaries of unspeakable cruelty. After six days of wall of menthol there is no sign he is beginning to crack but even so…

Anyway, since I’ve been “enjoying” a spell of ill health I thought I would list the ten universal truths about having a cold… along with the others.

  1. There is no cure although you can make things better with cough pastilles, on the one hand they work on the other it’s likely that if you can taste nothing else during the entire duration of your cold, you’ll still pick up enough flavour from the throat pastilles to know that a) they taste disgusting and b) you don’t like them.
  2. You will be sweating a lot but you’ll have absolutely no idea whether or not you have BO – this means you’ll be living in fear of social exclusion and taking a shower two or three times a day.
  3. All those showers will leave you smelling far more fragrant than usual – not that your friends are going to notice anything other than wall of menthol – nevertheless you don’t know that and will gradually become paranoid.
  4. You will only need to cough when making a noise really matters.
  5. If a medicine is at all pleasant to take, you know it isn’t going to work. The revoltingness of the medicine, more to the point, the revoltingness that you are still able to taste even when you can’t taste anything else (cf point 1) is directly proportional to the amount of good it does…. eg Fisherman’s Friends – doubtless these are used by secret police worldwide as a form of extreme torture. Although some people eat them for fun. Avoid these poor damaged souls. Enjoying Fisherman’s Friends is a sign of profound mental illness.
  6. You will lose all sensation in your nose on about day three and spend the next week in a constant state of fear that it’s dripping without your realising.
  7. Your spouse will bring the cold into the house, throwing it off in a day and leaving you stuck with it for three weeks.
  8. Your breath will smell horrible.
  9. Never mind. You won’t know. Hoorah!
  10. It will make you realise how zits and volcanoes feel.
  11. Swallowing your own bodyweight in phlegm each day will dull your appetite and help you lose weight.
  12. But it’ll make you feel sick.
  13. You won’t be able to smell your farts.
  14. Other people will.
  15. You won’t be able to smell anyone else’s farts.
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Comments»

1. Random T. - 22, April 2009

After reading the article, I feel that I really need more info. Could you suggest some resources please?

babychaos - 23, April 2009

If you’d really read the article you’d leave a comment that makes sense, wouldn’t you you spamming looner?

Cheers

BC


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