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Spill Me a River. 26, January 2007

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Humour, Life and living, Light Fluff, Play.
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I have been given cause, today, to think about a rare and special talent I have, the art of Spillage.

I am not 100% sure why I’ve been thinking about this.

No, that’s a lie. I know exactly why. It’s because I’ve recently broken a new pair of incredibly cool boots – a one off purchase which was cheap and unfortunately, unique, although I’ve achieved a partial resuscitation and I thought about writing it on here because of something I read in Geeklady’s blog.

I’m a bit pissed off with myself if the truth were known. I am well aware I have inhuman spillage skills. Not ordinary spillage but special spillage with special rules – where the word “special” is a euphemism for decidedly unspecial. You know, in the same way you say somebody’s “a bit special” when you mean it in a “special needs” rather than “wonderful person” kind of way. Actually I’ve met quite a few people with “special needs” who are bloody wonderful so I feel bad and un PC putting this but oh sod it, you know what I’m on about. Where was I… oh yes… pissed off! Especially by the way I did it, because it was pure Gumbee Theatre*.

* The Gumbees are the guys in Monty Python who destroy everything in their path though their dim witted clumsiness – the ones in tank tops and wellies who shout things like “Ow! I hit my head on the table!” Think Monty Python’s Radio 4 play “The Death of Mary Queen of Scots” that’s Gumbee Theatre.

Now, back to the plot.

I’m making a tuna salad. I want to add sun dried tomatoes and have a flat plastic tray of them in my fridge, vacuum sealed in oil. I know I have opened this at some point, probably several months ago – it’s 3 months past its sell-by date, after all – it’s’ tomatoes though, in oil, they’ve probably dug up tomatoes in oil from Roman tombs which are still edible but I digress where was I? Ah yes…

So I am trying to determine where I cut this packet open last time but I can’t for the life of me find where. I press round the edges with my fingers, hoping that the plastic will give where it is no longer attached and I will find the opening. It doesn’t I hold it up to the light, turning it as I do so. I discover the opening then, at the bottom, by dint of the Niagra of oil which gushes out onto my top and my brand new suede boots.

Bollocks.

Never mind. I am a clutz and have spent most of my life perennially skint. I am therefore a GODDESS when it comes to the art of stain removal. Nobody can touch my stain shifting skills. NO ONE! (Takes breath and becomes psycho calm.)

I use Vanish to shift the stain from my fleece top, a favourite but a very old one. However, after an unfortunate incident with a Dolce & Gabana silk shirt (god bless TK Maxx or TJ Maxx if you’re American) I’m leery about using it on the boots. Hot water and washing up liquid cannot shift it though and I want the boots clean. They are an only, a one off.

Have you noticed this aspect of stain management? The amount of damage done is directly proportional to the cost or uniqueness of the garment ergo the more expensive and unique it is and the less likely you are to be able to find another one, the less likely you are to be able to remove the stain.

I move onto suede shampoo. Mixed results. So I try a “home dry cleaning” stick. One of those things you dab on and then iron it out from behind. Have you ever tried to get an iron into the toe of a suede boot? No? Hmm… Well, I think we can call this a partial success but I eventually chicken out for fear of damaging the rubber bits – see photo – and because I fear the evil fumes from all the other cleaning products with which I’ve attacked the stain will cause me to lose consciousness, branding myself across the forehead with the iron as I fall and setting the house on fire.

boot1.JPG boot.JPG

With acceptance of my defeat comes liberation.

You see, I have a pair of ruined boots but since they are ruined I have nothing to lose. They are unwearable outside the home unless I manage to fix them. That means anything I do is academic, which opens the door to all sorts of evil chemicals which I would never normally dare to use on something that wasn’t comprehensively plutzed. This is my reasoning as I get out the OzKleen Kitchen Power! Oh yes, this stuff rocks on the oven door and the cooker hood. Let’s see what it does on my suede Space 1999 style booties.

Hmm. Another partial success. Still, I have got to the point where, indoors or in north light, you can’t see the stain… That means they are spared use of the corrosive oven tray cleaner stuff with the picture of Charlie Dimmock on the bottle.

That’s where I am today – I need to work on the smallest of the three blobs and lighten the other stains a tiny bit more while, at the same time, darkening the surrounding bleached suede. I need to get a nice fade in, too so that there is no graduation in colour between original and bleached and molested boot. This is where being an artist is really handy. I have all sorts of evil paints and permanent indelible inks for fabric. So the outlook is hopeful and THE GODDESS has vanquished another stain.

Thinking about this reminded me of another spillage. Once, I had to go to a black tie work do – not something that happens often in a bus company. It was one of the very rare occasions I was wearing black, or at least a black velvet jacket but what with it being a work do and all I was wearing a lot of very nice silk “power underwear” underneath – no top it was one of those jackets that buttons up enough to get away without one.

Guess what colour my power underwear was? That’s right. Cream. So when my mate spilled a glass of red wine over me guess where it went? That’s right. Down my cleavage. Not one drop went on my jacket or skirt because they came from Oxfam and cost me about three pee and a dry cleaning bill. Nope the whole glass went on my £40 silk slip and fabulously expensive bra. I had to go up to my room to sort it out. The bra was ruined but I was able to put the slip back on, after I’d spent half an hour blowing the stupid thing dry with a hair dryer.

Stain management is a part of my life.  Ok that’s fine but Ive spent 60 precious minutes writing about it on here…  clearly I’m beyond help.

Ho hum…

Still, at least the London thing’s worn off and my bogies are clean.

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Comments»

1. Mrs. Nicklebee - 27, January 2007

I’m glad that has cleared up. lol

My first thought was to get some more oil and spill it over the rest of both boots but I’m glad you were able to salvage them after all.

2. babychaos - 28, January 2007

Funny you should say that, I may yet have to do an olive oil brush down! Erk.

Cheers

BC

3. lea alissa - 29, January 2007

lucky you were able to fix that..:)

4. GeekLady - 29, January 2007

The best way to get a stain out is to tackle it immediately. Dawn dishwashing soap works wonders, especially on grease stains, but will also take out the bright pink stain of cranberry relish from a white cotton blouse. Those little Tide laundry pens will take out blood stains if you work at them hard enough too.

I confess, I can hardly tell you got oil on those boots, and am just sitting here wishing I had a pair like that.

5. babychaos - 30, January 2007

You are clearly almost of much of a stain afficionado as I am, you also, clearly, have excellent taste in shoes! It does still really show up in some light but I think I can sort it out with some grey fabric pens… or some more olive oil! 😉

Cheers

BC


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