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More Thoughts About Miscarriage 28, January 2007

Posted by babychaos in Grumpy Old Bag, Heavy Flow, Miscarriage.
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When I found out I was pregnant I was very surprised. Kids were not on the cards – even though I’ve always wanted them, Mr BC didn’t and I wanted him more. So when we got pregnant we were both surprised at how over the moon we were but especially him.

One miscarriage was bad enough for me. I don’t think either of us has the stamina to have more than two in a row. So Mr BC and I have decided we’ll have one more go and then, if that miscarries too, we’ll quit.

That said, who knows what the future brings… one of the things that struck me was how hard people try – how many miscarriages they have. My Mum had one with my brother – he was a twin and hung on – then after me another four. My brother’s was a difficult birth, they reckoned Mum survived because she was fit and that the pair of them had about 10 minutes left when they finally got her to theatre and fished him out.

Dad and Mum wanted 4 children but according to the doctor my brother’s birth didn’t do wonders for her insides and she did pretty well to have me. I remember one miscarriage, it must have been pretty late on for them to have told us and she was in bed for a few days afterwards. I also remember her going into hospital a couple of times when I was very young and us staying at home with Dad. One time he took us to the sea for a swim.

Another time I found out about afterwards was when we went to somebody’s house for the day. I remember it because there was a grave in the garden and it scared me – it was one of the house’s previous owners’ pet dog. I remember the day as idyllic in parts but with the trauma of finding the grave stone. My Mum started to lose another baby that day. At the time, I never noticed. She sat there, with my dad and us and those nice people and carried on as if nothing was happening. I so wish I could go back in time and give her a big hug. It must have been so crap, she must have felt so bad. Poor Mum.

I suspect there was a point where Mum and Dad decided to stick with us because I remember a kind of lifting of uncertainty, it wasn’t exactly resignation but I just remember being told that Mum was ok now and wouldn’t be going into hospital again.

I guess hope springs eternal and all that but to me that’s still very brave and all these other ladies, they’re pretty damn brave, too. Then again, perhaps it’s nature. Part of me was amazingly up for having another go straight away – I’d guess this is self preservation speaking here, get up and get on, hit the ground running, have another go NOW and get it right! All that stuff.

It sounds trite, but to me, the best analogy for this urge is a video game. It was like getting half way though level one when all your mates are onto level two. You desparately want to start again IMMEDIATELY and get through to the second level so you can discuss tactics, cheats and the quality of the graphic scenery on an equal footing with your friends.

I’d guess it’s a biological urge to stop you from sitting around getting depressed.

Mr BC is a dear and the miscarriage brought us together. I was very lucky that way, very lucky anyway, I guess because my husband is my best friend and without him, I’d have just sunk.

I went to a school reunion the other day.

Just about everyone I met asked me if I had children.

My mother always brought me up NEVER to ask this question. “It can hurt people so much” she has always said well I guess after all those miscarriages she knew what she was talking about. So after about the tenth one I just started telling them the truth. “Almost,” I’d say. “But not quite.” Then to the quizzical glance, “I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago.” I guess in a way it was kind of cruel – most of them were so embarrassed they didn’t know where to put themselves – but in another way, I felt I was educating them, gently, that not everyone is that lucky. They’re sure as hell not going to make the same mistake again.

I am evil and wicked but if the same thing ever happens to you I can recommend it. Cathartic? Oh yes!

Mwah ha ha ha haaaaargh!

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Comments»

1. Mrs. Nicklebee - 28, January 2007

Your parents are very brave. It must’ve been excruciatingly difficult for your Mum, to just sit there and act like everything was just peachy that day.

It says something about the type of children you and your brother were that your parents still wanted more around, dontcha think? 🙂

There’s nothing evil or wicked whatsoever in what you said. It’s rude of people one hardly knows to ask something like that, especially in a group setting. In this day and age when being told we’re wrong or out of line is PiC, sometimes we can be very insensitive to those around us. My parents had difficulty, too, and my mother raised me not to ask about children. “It’s hurtful and none of anyone else’s business.” They lost a baby at about 20 weeks when I was little and it was very painful for them. I can remember the look on my Mum’s face, almost as though she had been slapped, when people would ask why she didn’t have more children.

I hope things go the way you’d like them to, (((((BC))))).

2. babychaos - 28, January 2007

Wow, sound like your parents were pretty great and all! Thanks for the kind words, your poor Mum, I hope she told them exactly why, in detail, so they never asked anyone else ever again!

Cheers

BC

3. Geldoff - 28, January 2007

Then said Almitra, “Speak to us of Love”
… and the Prophet said:
For even as Love crowns you, so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
All these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
– from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

Now I don’t normally quote stuff, BC, but your remark about your tragic miscarriage bringing Mr BC and you together struck a chord and I felt that the text above is pertinent and might be helpful. probably just confusing though 🙂

(Or then again maybe I’m actually a crackpot whose calling is to read the scriptures at the public much too loudly in shopping centres! “Halelujah, everybody!!” Hasn’t happened yet and I hope someone wakes me up smartly if it does!)

4. mrsmetaphor - 30, January 2007

Thanks for that post, BC. You are a remarkable person. What a gift you are.

Thanks, too, Geldoff for that quote.
I love that one…truly.

5. babychaos - 30, January 2007

Thank you everyone for being so sympathetic and splendid.

Cheers

BC

6. Mark Kenny - 3, February 2007

I don’t know if it’s pretentious or annoying for a man to say this, but I’ve always had the most amazing respect for women that they have to go through pregnancy and labour, and I can only imagine the pain of a miscarriage.

You’re not mean at all to tell people outright when they ask. Being honest is never a bad thing, and you’re right: you’re educating them.

7. Susie - 3, February 2007

I’m really impressed with the way you handled the questions at your reunion. Some people can be pretty thoughtless. I feel guilty for having had such an easy ride on that one. It isn’t fair at all.

8. babychaos - 5, February 2007

Thank you Mr K – you little bobby dazzler you, Susie, I hope you never do. No need to feel guilty you’re just a lucky, lucky bleeder! I am seething with insane jealousy! Seethe, seethe, seethe I’m going. 😉

Cheers

BC

9. Beth - 25, February 2007

I will definitely use that same answer in the future. Not only does it educate them of their lack of any sort of properness, BUT it memorializes the children lost. When people ask me do I have children, I want to say yes… I have twins in heaven. Thanks for posting that!

10. babychaos - 26, February 2007

Any time Beth, I’m delighted it helped. I will think of you telling people about your twins. A good feisty answer and absolutely right about acknowledging the lost children.

Take care you.

Cheers

BC


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