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How to Jump Plonkers on the Motorway. 2, February 2007

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Life and living, Light Fluff, Play.

Ever had that tricky motorway conundrum when you happen upon a bloke in a Volkswagen Bora or big Merc going at 60 in the middle lane on the phone?

You want to cruise at 70 so you want to overtake but when you start to pass they suddenly accelerate until you realise you’re both doing 110 and being the non-moron, you chicken out. They disappear out of sight and two miles later you catch them up only to repeat the process. Eventually they stop bothering to disappear, merely accelerating when you try to pass and dropping back to 60 when you give up. Well… After 40 miles, this starts to get wearing so here is how I jump them.

Let another car pull into the gap between you and them. This way they won’t notice you gaining. Wait for an beamer to come phanging down the fast lane at about 100 miles an hour. Gear down. As the beamer passes slip out behind him. Make sure you’re close. Pass and relax.

Option two, for drivers of vehicles endowed with more acceleration. Sit behind the target for a few miles to lull them into a false sense of security. Gear down. Have a quick check to that the coast is clear of speed cameras, coppers, dodgy on ramps, parked up vehicles on the hard shoulder and other motorists, you’re about to be naughty and you want to make sure the chances of an accident or 3 points are as low as possible.

Coast clear?


Now floor it.

By the time he realises somebody has dared to over take him you will be doing 100 miles an hour, 800 yards away and gaining fast. He won’t have had time to see you’re a woman so he’ll assume you’re one of him.

Make sure you maintain the stupid speed for 15 seconds or so, otherwise he will overtake you back and then resume his phone call, but this time, going at 60 in the fast lane where you will have to be seriously illegal – and a bit dangerous – to overtake. Once you’ve got about 800 yards ahead you can usually drop back down to the speed limit again. If you think he’s noticed you’re female, you may have to carry on speeding until you’re round the next bend, over the next hill or past the next whoop of lorries before dropping back down to the speed limit again.

Occasionally you will get a tough one and then the only way to overtake is to break their resolve in a deadly game of speeding chicken (deadly because the kinds of speed Mercedes and VW Bora drivers go when they are off the phone is the kind of speed that gets you in deep doo-doo) I tend to test these ones by going rather quickly for about half a mile. This will ensure they go back to their phone call and give up or give up their phone call and go on, either option is a result.

If they go on, it doesn’t matter because they’re going to be crusing at at least 110 and you’re not so you can watch them zoom by, confident in the knowledge that you can cruise at a happy “perfect 70” unencumbered by morons. If they give up they will resume their call and carry on creeping along in the middle lane at 60 while you bimble away at 70 with a clear road.

Ideally, everyone would maintain an even speed and those of us creeping along on the phone would stay in the slow lane. Unfortunately many drivers seem to think using the slow lane is tantamount to having “I’ve a very small willy” tattooed on their forehead. Ah well.



1. mrsmetaphor - 2, February 2007

BC…I have an insight into your psyche I’d like to share with you…tell me if it fits for you, babe-

My DH says in response to his need to ‘overtake plonkers on the motorway’… deep inside he’s thinking, “well, maybe I can’t get ahead in life but at least I can get ahead of THIS GUY!”

But the scary thing I must ask…how did you know I have “I’ve a very small willy” tattoed on my forehead?? Are you stalking me?

2. babychaos - 2, February 2007

mwah hah ha haaargh! Perhaps that’s it. It was particularly bad when I was Mrs High Flying Executive with my High Powered Job. I always thought they were looking at me thinking “Shit I’m a General Manager and I’ve only got a VW Bora she’s too young to be above me on the corporate ladder.” I can sort of understand them.

They’re not to knowmy car was an opt out becaue of the succession of “punishment vehicles” my company gave me! (They sacked the sales force and had to get rid of those diesel 1.1 ford escorts somewhere!) They’re not to know I started saving up for it when I was 8 and couldn’t afford to buy one until I was 33 either!

I’m not sure about the Mercs though, I think it’s probably just that they think they own the road.



3. Geldoff - 2, February 2007

I’ve just noticed, and it probably means nothing at all, nope – nuffink, that “Lotus” is an anagram of “louts”. No, Lotus owners are all thoroughly rational and respectable people. No, it’s purely a coincidence and doesn’t reflect on Lotus owners one bit. Not at all. Never let it be said … Nada. N-. 🙂

4. babychaos - 3, February 2007

Cheeky git!

5. Susie - 3, February 2007

Oh no I had a Merc and now a beemer snigger… phew it’s Ok though, I am all woman :o)

6. Mrs. Nicklebee - 4, February 2007

You know, there aren’t many other places that I struggle with being gracious than on the road. I try not to get all bent out of shape but it is incredibly irritating to have someone risk life and limb to get in front of me only to have them slow down right in front of me. I guess it must be some kind of power game. I hate having people play with me when I’m trying to drive.

Mr. N says that a very good way to inspire people to get it in gear is to ride their bumper in a 8-9 ton truck. I’m sure he’s just speaking from what he has seen others do, not what he has actually done himself.

7. babychaos - 5, February 2007

Laughing at the truck scenario… I think Mr N may well be right! Trucks can only go 56mph here though… dang!



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