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Oh bollocks! What have I done? 13, February 2007

Posted by babychaos in careers, General Wittering, Heavy Flow, Life and living, Play, Work.
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Last night Mr BC and I were talking about life and death, your legacy when you pop off. It cropped up under the topic of where my 30s went. I asked him what he’d like to do for his next birthday, it being a big one, his 45th. This is where he gently explained that actually, he was 47 this year. Ah. Then we worked out how old I was and that’s where the legacy thing came up.

I had a pretty high powered job in my late 20s, early 30s but after a few years I got made redundant – as you do – aged 33. When I stopped work I decided I would make my mark. I would write that novel, illustrate and write that children’s book, earn those millions doing commercial illustration and that to fund it all in the first instance, I’d write corporate puff. So…

What do I actually do?

I earn a very little pocket money by spending about 2 hours a day – if I can muster up the self-discipline to concentrate for that long – writing web copy. I spend the rest of the time staring at the brief and not writing the copy, wishing, instead, that I could put the radio on and paint which, of course, I WOULD be able to do VERY SOON if only I would stop moping (or doing this) and get on and write the frigging copy.

I realised I’ve been like this for FIVE YEARS. Shit! I didn’t realise it was that long.

I realised that I am now 38 and I have pissed my 30s up the wall.

The weird thing is, I don’t regret it because for the most part, I have been blissfully content. I explained to Mr BC that I’d achieved nothing to make my mark on the world. That part of me wanted to leave a smashing legacy of astounding work behind me; some fabulous art or some really great books and that actually my legacy to the world was going to be seven tenths of bugger all.

“But very few people do that and you’ll have made an indellible impression on all the people you’ve met.” Says Mr BC.

“You mean they’ll have had to seek counselling for the psychological damage?” I asked.

He gave me his no-I’m-being-serious look but then it all got too much for both of us and he said yes and we started giggling. I’m still feeling all warm and happy and… well… frankly soppy. It was such a lovely thing to say and he meant it, too. I’m so glad we found each other. He’s my best mate. The centre of all things. The heart of my world. The star around whom I spin.*

Lucky, lucky, lucky me!

*Oh gosh this is cobblers! I promise I’m not drunk, even if it sounds like the kind of thing I should be saying in a distinctly slurred voice as I follow you round the pub car park after 8 pints and a curry. Being serious or talking about feelings properly has never been my strong point! Then again, most of you know that if you’ve read my account of having a miscarriage!

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Comments»

1. Mrs. Nicklebee - 17, February 2007

What a sweet thing for Mr. BC to say! You should definitely keep him. 🙂

2. babychaos - 17, February 2007

That’s the plan! He’s a fine chap.

Cheers

BC


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