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Cooperisms 19, June 2007

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Humour, Light Fluff, Play.
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Cooperisms are jokes, so crap they are funny, named after Tommy Cooper the famous comedian, who was pretty much the same. Cooperisms are things like this:

A man walked into a bar and said. “Ouch!” It was an iron bar…

or

Two TV ariels got married, the wedding was crap but the reception was brilliant…

Today I got a whole bunch of them by e-mail and in another moment of shameless laziness, I thought I’d share them with you…

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, permanent.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something “herby”. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood?” I said, “Where is he then?”

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar?”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

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Comments»

1. RubyShooZ - 20, June 2007

bad bad bad babychaos! (groaning!)

2. babychaos - 21, June 2007

Great aren’t they? 😉

3. Brian - 21, June 2007

These are so bad, they’re good! 🙂

They remind me of the stand up act of a comedian I can’t remember. Not Mitch Hedberg, but similar. Really odd looking fellow.

4. Susie - 21, June 2007

I love plays on words 🙂

5. Mrs. Nicklebee - 22, June 2007

That’s hilarious! It reminds me of Gracie Allen’s stuff.

6. babychaos - 24, June 2007

Glad you enjoyed them.
Cheers
BC

7. Gary Stringer - 17, July 2007

They’re Tim Vine jokes – very funny. He holds the world record for telling the most jokes in 1 hour.

8. babychaos - 17, July 2007

Thanks Gary! I will have to find out more about Tim Vine, then, as these are a scream!

Cheers

BC


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