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It’s that time again… More Search Strings… 11, October 2007

Posted by babychaos in Adult Content, General Wittering, Play, Search Strings.
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As you know, I find the, frankly, barking things people type into google to get directed to this site a source of endless fascination and amusement… here is another choice selection for your enjoyment.

cyberspace kellogs – Surreal. Elephant.

why do antibiotics make me fart – mwa ha ha haargh! BECAUSE THEY CAN! Either that or you’ll have to face it and accept the fact you’re just windy.

geordi laforge roll – make that two and my husband will have a Dianna Troy bap.

the number 683 – oops the Maths Aliens have returned.

funny facts about the anus – are there any? Ok, ok… one of its many slang names is one-eyed starfish. That’s funny.

Geese(Pregnancy period) – Geese lay eggs sweetie, there is no goose pregnancy per se.

number 1 in words – well that’s pretty straightforward. One. There you go.

do carrots make you not drunk – sadly not, I wish they did though wouldn’t that be cool, eight pints and a couple of carrots and you’re safe to drive home. Get in!

eyebrow dandruff cure – Ah, it seems I’m not the only sufferer!

egg huge – something about this one makes me laugh, even though it’s not really that funny.

web address pen funny – Ah ha! You must be looking for penisland.com! It’s my blog and I can do the same joke twice if I want to.

grumpy bag – that’s me!

girly cheers – eh?

Steve Irwin and a television – another one which gets left in entirely down to the fact the surreal juxtaposition of words can be funny… er… well… to me at any rate.

moses funny bath – something about dividing the waters before he gets out, methinks.

how to write a letter to dying friend – no real answers there, it’s very hard to do. I guess you just have to follow your heart.

what goes wrong with a lotus elise – the stereo, show me a sports car with a stereo that doesn’t suck… yeh, I thought so, you can’t can you, because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

Mwa ha ha haargh so um, in answer to your question many things can go wrong with an Elise but the stereo is the most likely because it will fill up with water over time and unless you drive about 100 miles in it every day, it will never quite dry out.

Oh yes and if you turn right off the Kilburn High Road just after the bridge where Kilburn Station is you’ll drive slap bang INTO the traffic calming bump at the bottom of the road, not over it because it’s the size of a small mountain, so big that the idea of an SUV seems almost attractive… until you see one and realise how plug ugly they are.

Not forgetting driving on bumpy fen roads, eventually the hoses will loosen and come off and all your coolant will leek out. So if you see clouds of green steam billowing out behind you, stop a.s.a.p. or you’ll fry your head gasket! Oh yes and if you have a flat tyre, you’ll need a tow.

Actually you will need a tow whatever. Underneath, where other people have brake pipes, the exhaust system and other gunk-ridden gubbins the Elise has a flat sheet of aluminium. It can only be removed on one of those mechanical lifting platform things they have at garages… (is that a hoist?) or a speed bump in Kilburn of course… BUT even standing beside it waiting for a breakdown truck you will look Waaaaay cool daddio!

sunny side up egg – hmm reminds me of this bad chat-up line and put-down combo:

Man (thinking he’s scored). “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman. “Unfertilised”.

is rollerblade is painful at start? – If you fall over a lot then yes, I’m afraid it is.

getting pregnant through bum – Lady or actually most probably, man, even I can tell you that bum love will not make babies…

“and the man in the shop said “Analogue” – what’s the difference? Oh about 30 years and a plastic casing to you Grandad.

facts on swearing – here’s one. It’s brilliant fun because it’s naughty and we’re not meant to.

unknown laws – are easy to break because nobody knows about them. Watch out.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate – pleased to hear it, who won?

all about the number 65 – wibble

Is it ok to get knee surgery if pregnant – talk to your doctor but I’d say no, the anaesthetic will not do your little one any favours.

riding bicycle good or bad for knees – good on the whole but standing up in the saddle too much when you’re cycling up hill isn’t so good, although standing up in the saddle when you’re not actually pedalling is fine.

“uric acid””spontaneous combustion” – woah! Now there’s a strange combo. Somehow I don’t think this is about running a car on wee…

use religion to get what you want – Osama, the Inquisition, the Borgias Medicis et al, come on down!

religion can make a good person do bad t – yes it certainly can, bad and misguided cf Osama and the others again.

“why teachers plan” – because if they don’t they forget what they’ve taught or dry up in the middle of a lesson.

laws against smudging – I am sentencing you to 10 years’ in prison for your untidy essay. Ha! We’ll not be seeing any of your offensively smudged scrawl again!

heaven is so great why don’t people kill – my father and I were having this discussion pretty much this morning. If heaven is standing around in white robes singing happy-clappy songs for all eternity – or “fucking ever” as my dad described it it – neither of us is sure we are quite cut out for it!

carrots miscarriage – no they don’t

scheidenfreude – the reason you can’t find it is because you can’t spell it, it’s schadenfreude

durian smells like gas – yep it does!

bodydruff – oooh man that sounds like somebody in trouble!

star wars paduan learner – much to learn have you, my young paduan… when 800 years old, also you are, look as good you will not, etc etc

what you have to lose for being a famous – your mind, your privacy… stuff like that.

bug tastes fruity – now I’m really afraid! I guess you’re looking for the name of those Australian ants which gather sugar in their abdomen… people dig ’em up and eat them. Sadly, I can’t remember what they’re called either!

do i still get pmt if im pregnant – in my limited experience pregnancy is pmt, except you also have a perennial headache and feel really sick.

sodding british english – absobloodylutely! Nobody writes it any more because Microsoft make it so bloody difficult to install the British English dictionary in Word and most people are too dim to appreciate the difference and realise they’ve got it on US default. They just think “ooh, I didn’t know you spelled colour like that”. I think it’s yet another American conspiracy to achieve world domination.

Jokes about coach drivers – I know lots of funny stories coach drivers have told me but I can’t remember any right now.

CAN YOU MISCARRY ONE TWIN AND NOT THE OT – you sure can lady, my brother is living proof of that.

weird dandruff flakes – aren’t all dandruff flakes a bit weird?

babychaos – wahoo! Somebody was looking for me.

random careers – much the best type, get your first job somewhere and let the rest happen, it worked for me, after all, you are who you are, not the amount you earn or what you do.

trying for a baby at 38 – you and me both lady… actually, I’m 39 now.

keep fit with bad knee – tricky but it can be done, I find dragging 12 and a half stones of lardy bird around on two crutches makes you fitter than you will ever be while you are using your actual legs!

when you pooh red shit – you should call a doctor, unless it’s bright red, in which case, it’s piles, or you have been eating beetroot in which case it should go something like this. Deep breath, strain, listen, enjoy the splash and relax.

Other strings about Beetroot
can beetroot make you poo blood? – no it just makes you pooh beetroot, which is red and looks like blood.
does eating too much beetroot give you a – Yes, red – from both ends – is not unusual.

sensible erection kat young – get this, son, no erection is sensible. Fun? Yes. Sensible? No.

why wouldn’t one notice torn ligaments – you and me both, no clue but there you go, I didn’t, I just thought the usual pain had ramped up a lot.

if aim sick god will cure me – a lot of my answer depends on how you’re asking this. I’m assuming you are very ill and thinking you will cure yourself with prayer and nothing else. I believe that this is unlikely to work unless you decide to use the the tools and knowledge God has put at your disposal, you know, doctors medicine and the like – Jesus healed the sick, a lot, so I think he’s probably ok with that.

Conversely, you could be talking about deciding against undergoing a grim or unpleasant treatment which may not work anyway, accepting that while all life is terminal – yours just a bit more terminal than some others – and opting for palliative care to live out your remaining time as fully and comfortably as you can.

Only you know what is right for you. The important thing is to understand, though, is that if you are ill and eschewing medical care because you believe God will cure you, you may find your prayers will not necessarily be answered in the way you expect, you may well be given the strength to deal with what’s ahead but in most cases this is unlikely to involve a full recovery from your illness.

I guess you should do what you feel most comfortable with and remember that the course you choose to take is nobody’s business but your own. Good luck.

help with my knee scrap – there must be another part of the English speaking world where the word “scrap” has a meaning I don’t know about. Here in blighty, “scrap” is junk, rubbish or alternatively, “a scrap” is a fight, a pagga, a punch up. You can also say you’re going to scrap something as in give up on it, bin it and start again. Can anyone enlighten me as to what the hundreds of daft people responsible for search strings like this and the ones shown below are on about?
dont scrap me jokes
good thoughts on scraps
scrapping jokes
scrapping for pregnancy
result scraps joke
23 scrap female
cricket scrap jokes
good thoughts on scraps
how i can get messages for my scrap – eh? You want to exchange messages for your scrap, are you talking about swapping it for Scottish shopping? (do the messages is Scottish for getting the shopping, it’s an Old Alliance thing, like faire les commissions in French).
i am scrapped knees and apologies – is this one from somebody who can’t spell scraped?

what does absale mean – it means you get a rope and by putting it round your bum you let yourself down the side of a big cliff in a controlled way, usually without falling to your death

leeds climing wall – ha! I’ve been there!

picture of eyebrow dandruff – gack! Vile, I get lots of people coming to find out about eyebrow dandruff after I posted my “cure” and some useful proper cures suggested, too.

chirruping cat – it’s natural, they all do, especially those long haired ones with the really big feet.

babychaos@antisocial.com – nope, that’s not me

is it ok to gravestone for a miscarried – of course it is, whatever gets you through and gives you closure.

what does goat taste like – very good, it smells quite gamy but the taste is more lamb or pork.

we are getting pregnant tonight after mi – good on you, go-ed

random crying, memory loss – bless you, I’m sorry to hear that. You should talk to a doctor, one of my friends at school had symptoms like this, she forgot who she was, cried all the time… it turned out to be a nervous breakdown brought on by being bullied… Two important things to remember here. One, you will recover. Two, shit happens but you can make it easier to get through if you seek help. Good luck.

sell crap worth a lot – we all wish…!

vile tasting burps – oh no a little bit of sick with a burp in it! Or have you been eating Durian?

“nervous farting” – one more time because a) I’m purile and b) the fact this brings people to my blog never ceases to amuse… I should probably research it and write an article for them.

i thought you knew that – nope, sorry, I don’t know everything

weightlifters chalk in the philippines – splendidly eclectic and I have no idea how they ended up here.

toon getting pregnant – by playing patticake, I presume

are fairies still alive know – I hate to break it to you but in this dimension of space and time, probably not.

chaos fairies – OK, I lied, some fairies DO exist in this dimension of space and time, the Chaos Fairies.

pregnancy complications trauma dog – trauma dog sounds like a 2000AD character.

australians are retarded – W.T.F?

living in wittering – I live by wittering, not quite the same thing.

whinging wanker – yep, that’s me.

how long does take to get to brugge by c – depends where from and whether you take the ferry or the train…

farting dangerous – only if you light them.

what is most rebellious thing you do – well… when I talk to people, I’m honest and up front, that’s usually enough to offend them.

if you tear off a crickets back legs how – If you tear off a cricket’s back legs you are a complete cunt, actually you’re a complete cunt for even wanting to know (this kind of thing cf previous question).

what does a cow do when they miscarry – do you know I’ve no idea, it probably gets a bit uset like the rest of us

questions about existence – lots here but they’re things like “why is pooh brown”

how to get rid of beef curtains – what do you mean get rid? Beef curtains is slang for Labia and is one of the most common search strings bringing people to this site, a fact which is scary enough, in itself!

morons on earth – that’s most of us, isn’t it? Anyway, morons on Earth as opposed to where? Morons from outer space? Then again, if there were any morons in outer space you can bet they’d be the ones who’d land here.

pregnancy blood in poo – Lady, you have piles.. if it makes you feel any better to know this, so do I.

britney+”beef curtains” – why is that going to get you to a picture of Britney’s crotch, nobody’s going to call them “beef curtains”, put gash or something.

funny porn – not here, sorry

jokes about light – hmm…. nope, can’t think of any.

rude potatoes – potatoes which shout “fuck off!” as opposed to refined potatoes who say “please go away!”. Hmm… I think that joke works better about oil.

leg transplant – not possible yet dear, except on StarTrek.

flippity gibbet – gerbuldy gubbet. I thank you. This one appears regularly, what, in the name of all that’s holy, they are looking for I have no idea.

trying for baby post miscarriage – the same as trying for one before.

funny things to write on broken leg – now we know you’re ‘armless… no, wait a minute that’s wrong.

Arse fucking goes better – goes better than what? Or are we talking about some Nordic or Germanically named footballer, you know. “Everyone knows the famous Norwegian footballer, Arse Fucking goes better at centre than on the wing.”

spiders indigenous to BC – Hmm… well, as far as I know I have no spiders indidgenous to me.

brothers and sisters having fun fucking – ack that’s just evil. In fact I’m probably mad even showing that as I’ll get even more hits from a very damaged group of people now.

painting banisters – you poor bugger, it took me about 10 days to paint mine… then again it took 3 coats and there were three flights.

britney van dyck – now there’s a scary showbiz mutant hybrid for you… I wonder if anyone’s created s/he in a lab somewhere.

charlie dimmock – is a large boosomed, gardening programme presenter on British TV, hence “dimmocks” is also slang for a large (and fine) lady rack.

should i carry heavy bags when pregnant – my mum says if you have to strain to lift them then, no. If they’re the kind of weight you’re used to carrying all the time, you know, like, say, a lap top case, you’re fine.

fucking life of mine – is here in all it’s – er hem – glory.

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Comments»

1. Bruno - 11, October 2007

“sell crap worth a lot”

Well actually Wim Delvoye, a contemporary Belgian, has done that. Check out his Cloaca – a machine that artificially recreates the human digestive system – at http://www.newmuseum.org/more_exh_cloaca.php . And I know he sells the end product as well which by the way would actually smell like the real thing too). Although I didn’t bother to check that last fact myself.

2. babychaos - 11, October 2007

That’s a point you have there, Bruno, I saw Cloaca on Eurotrash a while back! 😉 I don’t think I’d like to buy one though!

Cheers

BC

3. Joe Drinker - 11, October 2007

Geez…that’s quite a list! Flippity gibbet? What are people thinking?

JD

4. babychaos - 11, October 2007

I know, it’s just barking… I think maybe I left this one a bit long before I typed it up, there was too much good stuff and it took a bit too much space!

Cheers

BC

5. Noble Savage - 11, October 2007

Hilarious list! I love search strings. It’s like being a fly on the wall of people’s Google psyches.

6. liberrydwarf - 12, October 2007

*australians are retarded – W.T.F?*

Actually, it’s true. We are. It’s the heat. And the strange gasses Koalas emit. No fault of our own…

7. babychaos - 12, October 2007

Noble Savage, true, I love collecting them up like this.

Liberrydwarf, Koala gas sounds like a whole new search string in itself. Hmm….!

Cheers

BC

8. Rua MacTírean - 20, October 2007

“jokes about light – hmm…. nope, can’t think of any”
ahem(cough) Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

Because the class were so bright!!

I know….. I’ll leave now

9. babychaos - 21, October 2007

Shockingly bad! Frankly, I’m quite glad I didn’t think of that one. Are you sure you aren’t channelling Tommy Cooper?

Cheers

BC

10. Rua MacTírean - 31, October 2007

I am Tommy Cooper


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