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The Scary bits of pregnancy. 15, November 2007

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Heavy Flow, Life and living, Pregnancy Issues.
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It’s coming to the time when I start looking at Nuchal scans and the like and frankly, it’s scary. If there’s something badly wrong with my baby I may have to terminate this pregnancy. I know it’s alive and I know I will be taking its life. It’s not a comfortable feeling.

How do I know it’s alive? Because each time I’ve been pregnant, I’ve had a kind of weird out of body thing. This is hard to explain but if your body is a film projected on a screen, it’s as if it slides out of focus for a second and back again. It’s like you actually blur as if your essence, the “you” bit is the part that does the sliding. It happens about 10 days after the point I think I might have conceived and it’s way weird.

With the last one, I also had an… um… would I call it empathetic? Yeh an empathetic moment, too. Suddenly I thought I was floating about in warm water, in the dark. I was quite happy, I was wondering what was coming next and I was a girl. I could hear a muffled voice, my own. The day before I started to bleed I felt something else odd, too. Ever held a butterfly in your hand? Well, imagine that feeling inside you, starting at belly level and going up through your insides and out through the top of your head. Was that its soul departing or just my sub conscious mind’s way of telling me my little girl had gone? I’ll never know.

What I do know, though, is that the sum of these things means a termination is going to be hard for me.

So, the rationale… if my baby is disabled I’m cool with the idea of looking after it, what I am not cool with, is the idea that without me or some other assistance, it will not be able to look after itself. There is a myriad of red tape and cobblers to get past when you deal with the State and it’s only going to get worse, if Muffin is not 100% mentally there, he may not be able to do this on his own. Run with me on this one, I’ll get to the point.

I lived in London at about the time Mrs Thatcher, in her wisdom, came up with the idea of “care in the community” and closed many of the larger asylums. A lot of these contained people with special needs who were able to do simple jobs and go out into the community but needed care, a mother or father figure to make sure they took their pills, washed, ate proper meals and the like. Before the asylums started to close there were a fair few homeless people in London. Around 20% of them were mentally ill.

By the end of the next year I remember reading that 80% of the homeless people in London had learning difficulties or mental problems, the kind of mental problems which, in sheltered accommodation – an asylum, for example – could be monitored. Indeed many of them came from asylums, they had simply been released, with no idea of where to go or what to do and even those who had been given guidance often slipped through the net.

Add to this a an instance of the child of a couple of friends. He was born with severe learning difficulties, so severe he took all round care. He has no siblings, no family but his parents. Sooner or later they’re going to die and he will be alone. They are worried sick as to what will happen to him after they are gone. He is in warden accommodation and they have made a provision to keep him there, hopefully, so long as it stays open for the rest of his life, of course.

I will be 40 on or around the time my baby is born. When it hits 20 I will be 60. I will be alive until he is 40 or thereabouts, tops. Mr BC is 8 years older than me. If I have a child with learning difficulties – I’m talking severe ones here – then, as I said. I have no qualms, personally, about looking after it but what I can’t face is those final years knowing I am going to be leaving it alone.

Without somebody to fight for them the state DOESN’T take care of people like this, I have seen the evidence with my own eyes enough times. I can’t guarantee I will be able to make siblings and anyway, who am I to decide for them that their life will be about looking after this person for the rest of their days.

I keep thinking about that last Richard Curtis film… Love Actually. One of the stories is about a girl in an office whose brother is in a high security mental asylum. She tries to date one of her colleagues but the brother rings her in the middle of the night, just as she is about to get it on with this chap, demanding she comes to see him straight away. She explains she has to go and her date naturally assumes that it’s a boyfriend… She loves him, she wants him but let’s him think that, lets him go because her brother has no-one else and she realises that she will never be able to live a normal life and accommodate the needs and demands of his illness.

I wouldn’t knowingly want to condemn the muffin’s siblings to that. And the truth is, I don’t have the balls to face those last years in my 70s or 80s, worrying, wondering what will happen after Mr BC and I are gone…

So if there’s anything wrong. I will have to have a termination. End a life. There is no easy way out, whichever path I choose it’s going to do my head in.

So… let’s just say, I’m quite nervous about the next phase, the tests.

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Comments»

1. Kat - 15, November 2007

Well, I hope that the nuchal scan comes out normal. Even though women have normal pregnancies most of the time, it’s always the risks and anomalies that do our heads in. Hope it all goes well….

2. babychaos - 15, November 2007

Cheers!

BC

3. mrsmetaphor - 15, November 2007

Hey Ms BC
when is your scan? I want to be sure to be thinking of you that day and praying for health, wisdom and peace all around.

Mrs M

4. babychaos - 15, November 2007

Aw thanks me dear, it’s on 22nd November at 6 in the evening GMT! All positive vibes hugely welcome!

Cheers

BC

5. Mrs. Nicklebee - 15, November 2007

I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you that day, too, BC. You certainly have a lot to think about.

Hugs,

Mrs. N

6. lea alissa - 16, November 2007

I’m rooting for you and your muffin. 🙂

7. babychaos - 16, November 2007

Thank you everyone!

Cheers

BC

8. Steff - 16, November 2007

Am thinking positive thoughts for you, and completely understand and admire your thinking. It would be easier in a way to think “Oh we’ll cope”, that’s what many people seem to do, but it’s not necessarily in the best interests of the child’s future. Best of luck, try not to worry 🙂

9. noble savage - 16, November 2007

I’ll be thinking of you that day, BC. That’s American Thanksgiving so hopefully you will have something extra special to be thankful for that day.


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