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Gumbee Painting… 5, January 2008

Posted by babychaos in General Wittering, Life and living, Small Scale Disasters.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

That’s a bit like Gumbee Theatre, only not.

You see, the nesting continues apace with me painting our kitchen. Here’s how it’s going.

All the masking tape is applied, the last few dregs of eggshell from another room have been applied to the woodwork in advance – until we get another pot – and it’s time to break open the new full can of emulsion to do the walls.

I look at our nice slate floor and the can, size up the situation and decide to open it outside… wise move. Unfortunately, I choose our nice but marginally easier to clean newly laid (by Mr BC no less) patio.

I spread newspaper put the can down and jemmy off the lid.

“Hmm…” I think as I carefully lift it off. “I must be careful not to drop this into the can of paint.”

Immediately, I drop the lid into the can of paint.

Then, while carefully fishing it out, I spill paint all over the new patio. Paint which is water soluble until it dries (which will be in about five minutes) at which point, it becomes indelible. I rush in get a basin of water and a scrubbing brush and manage to remove it in the nick of time. Phew!

Never mind, not taking any more chances I move the paint and the newspaper to the flower bed where I can spill gallons of it, should that be my desire, at my leisure.

Naturally, now it doesn’t matter, no more paint is spilled near the pot.

Here are some more universal laws/questions of home decorating which have occurred to me, as I’ve painted…

If I have masking taped and newspapered the floor why does paint only fall where I have left a tiny hole and it is able to seep through?

How do I get that much in my hair – even with my specially designed pillow case “hat”?

It’s the oil-based eggshell, so white spirit will remove it… will it bleach my hair though? (BC imagines self with Morticia Adams/Rat Scabies from the Damned circa 1984 style white streak.)

How do I always get some on the sole of my shoe and walk it across the unprotected parts of the floor before I notice?

Why is it the only spillages I fail to notice until after they have dried are the ones which are emulsion – ie the ones which we will be stuck with for ever because they can’t be removed unless they’re still wet?

How come emulsion spilled on a floor dries almost instantly when it takes a couple of hours to dry on a wall?

How do I convince the paint on the wall that it’s on the floor so I can apply the second coat?

How did I get paint down my cleavage?

…and on my elbow?

Why is my long-haired, highly prone to moulting cat so interested in rubbing himself up against the wet paintwork?

Who put the paw prints on the undercoat?

…and how did that six inch whisker embed itself into the surface of the newly painted door frame?

Why did I leave the loo roll on the side in the kitchen and not remember until after I had stopped for a wee break while painting the loo? Oh well… newspaper is more absorbent than you might think.

These and hundreds of other questions will never be answered but I thought I’d share them with you anyway. Pipple toot…



1. Geldoff - 5, January 2008

It’s quite clear now that the Gremlins are in league with the Professional Kitchen Painters of Great Britain Association. I have it on good authority that the PKPGB pay the Gremlins an annual stipend to make sure that kitchens such as yours, BC, are specifically targetted.

So it’s NOT YOUR FAULT and you are POWERLESS to avert the Gremlin merriment of which you are officially a Victim.

Oh, and Gremlins are invisible to cats who are sometimes unwittingly hypnotised to do the Gremlins’ bidding. So no help there, I’m afraid.

There. That’s it; it’s solved. 🙂

2. babychaos - 7, January 2008

Of course… just another breed of Chaos Fairies… frankly, I’m amazed I didn’t realise this… then again, I’m pregnant, so the Chaos Fairies already have my brain!



3. Joe Drinker - 8, January 2008

I don’t know what it is about cats and paint…you wouldn’t think they would be so attractive to each other, but they are. It’s that strange type of attraction usually reserved to floors and jelly toast.

4. babychaos - 8, January 2008

Sod’s attraction, I reckon! He now has little white flecks on the tabby along his tail… it’s gloss, of course, so it won’t come off. Still, at least it matches my hair!



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