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Hello Trisha. I have a mutant pelvic floor and I fear incontinence… 16, January 2008

Posted by babychaos in Adult Content, General Wittering, Light Fluff, Pregnancy Issues, Small Scale Disasters.
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I was looking back at a couple of my previous posts the other day. Man I’ve been a miserable git for a lot of this year. What a gump. Never mind… Today’s post is humorous but I should also warn you that it’s a bit more um… adult in nature. In fact, it goes above and beyond the definition of “too much information”.

But it’s funny.

So I posted it.

You see, I’m going to talk about Pelvic Floor Exercises. I’m going to talk about them frankly, openly and in a way which I suspect is not normal… or “quite nice”.

I have long held the view that most people’s deepest, darkest thoughts and fantasies, the things they think are unique to them, are actually ubiquitous to practically every other human. This is kind of like that… I bet it happens a lot but I can’t find a mention. Hmm…

The Pelvic Floor is a big, sort of bowl of muscles that helps keep your undercarriage in position. They help you go to the loo and more importantly, stop and if you’re a pregnant lady, they keep the baby and accompanying accoutrements in the right place.

Keep your Pelvic Floor muscles strong and in theory the baby will be carried better and press less on your bladder so you don’t have to keep going to the bog the whole time. Even better, keep them toned and after you’ve had your baby, there is an outside chance that you’ll be able to sneeze, cough or laugh without a little bit of wee coming out.

Entirely incidentally, they are also the muscles you use to um… hold onto your man during intercourse. You know if you want to squeeze a bit and ensure the experience, for him, is less like waving a stick of spaghetti in the Albert Hall but more like… oh soddit, pushing a large man sausage into a small and tight fitting hole (possibly with ribs in) which usually goes down rather well with the owner of the man sausage.

Sounds like a no-brainer doesn’t it?

Hmm… well, there are two they recommend I do to keep everything er… supported and more to the point, watertight. Here they are.

Exercise 1. Pull in your pelvic floor muscles and hold for as long as possible until they start to twitch or you can’t hold them in any more. Relax. Do it again. I think you’re meant to do 4 of these and work up to 10 or 20 over the course of a day.

Exercise 2. Pull in your pelvic floor muscles and release. Do this 50 times. You can do it in 2 sets I think.

Ok, easy right, you can do them on the train, in the car, walking round town… Well, yes but how do I put this delicately… flex my pelvic floor for a while and I get horny, flex it long enough and I have a full on orgasm. An orgasm is not something I can have silently on a train, it involves flailing limbs and shouting… and giggling… not forgetting a long sleep afterwards… possibly with snoring… during which, if I haven’t already been thrown off the train, I will almost certainly miss my stop.

Chop the desired amount of pelvic flexing up into smaller bits and yes, we get by even though I may become a rampant vamp. Fine, if I get a bit randy I’m married… Well yes… but poor Mr BC is labouring, Atlas style, under a mountain of work at the moment which is not the best of situations to get him… er… in the mood… especially not when I am supposed to be “exercising” my pelvic floor every day.

Ok I know I could buy a rabbit but he works from home… he’d hear the buzzing…

Then there’s the enormous and painful Braxton Hicks (the contraction, not Thursday Next’s boss for those of you who read Jasper Fforde) I get after each one… Don’t ANYBODY give me any shit about it not being like real labour. I know, I’m not an idiot but real labour would not be welcome right now and thus, it is a little disconcerting.

Ok so there is an answer. Luckily some enlightened book has given me a sheet of exercises which seems to do the same thing but not in quite such a similar manner to er… gripping the husband during… as er… that. It moves but you’re moving other things so it feels more like exercise and less like training be a sexual olympian.

Am I a mutant or does anyone else have this problem? Should I just go the whole hog and try and learn to shoot ping-pong balls out of my fanny*… or a banana, perhaps? Or did you all give up reading and rush off to vomit ages ago?

Hmm…

* I use fanny here in the true, girl’s-front-bottom sense. Incidentally, those of you from from other parts of the English-speaking world, now you know why people in Britain direct you to the chemists if you ask for a fanny bag in Britain, they think you’re after a box of tampax or a 6 pack of Femidom, not a belt, with a bag on it to put your money in! Ha! And there’s you thinking it was a Hungarian Phrase book-style conspiracy… Nope, it’s not, we’re just thick that way!

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Comments»

1. Alabaster Crippens - 16, January 2008

You have given me a big smile. And I say get the rabbit. Let him know and I’m sure he won’t mind. (Though he may feel a little threatened…..if you can get him to apologise for the fact that the end doesn’t rotate like that…you win).

Erm…..

2. Noble Savage - 16, January 2008

I will attest to the importance of doing pelvic floor exercises. I did mine religiously and didn’t have to pee all the time like many other preggo friends did and never had any wee leakage afterwards. They are worth it! And you can freak people out by saying “I’m doing some right now.” 😉

3. babychaos - 17, January 2008

Alabaster, glad to make you smile, Noble Savage, oh yes, I am doing them religiously, I just spread them out a bit. I reckon one here and there soon adds up to the daily total and the short ones I just do in batches of 10. It’s still a shocker though! 🙂

Cheers

BC

4. mrsmetaphor - 17, January 2008

You go girl…I’m right there with ya, sista….well, in spirit I mean. Actually now that I think upon it any one of us might sit next to someone on the bus who is doing their “kegels” and never know it….so, probably a lot of women are right there with ya in real life and you don’t even know it. Weird, huh?

5. flyingrowan - 17, January 2008

As you so kindly put it the other day, if this help’s, you’re not the only one! I just end up getting horny whilst doing this aswel, so I can’t do it too much in places like trains or buses or interviews or the queue in Co-Op {I mean, I could but ultimately I’d be left either frustrated or too flustered} Interesting that there’s another way of doing it. Also, I can imagine it’d bring on contraction like feelings {not that I have any real idea of what they’re like}

Anyway, that wasn’t vomit inducing at all! Flex away

6. Kat - 23, January 2008

Kegels exercises are definitely worth it. Yours just comes with bonus features. LOL Your poor hubby. Sometimes it’s hard to be a man…

7. Kat - 23, January 2008

(Haha, pun unintended!)


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