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Hell is other people… scaremongering gits who are already parents. 7, June 2008

Posted by babychaos in Adult Content, Art, General Wittering, Grumpy Old Bag, Life and living, Pregnancy Issues, whinging, winging.
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Today I am in good cheer on the whole but a conversation I had last night is beginning to really get to me. So much so that I thought that if anyone else out there has had this kind of experience I should put it here. At least that way it it might help someone in the same boat to know they’re not alone!

If they want to leave a comment on this post it’ll help me to know they’re out there and all – although I’ve posted it on a forum, too, which should cover that side of things.

Ok, as ya’all know this is my first pregnancy and I’m on the cusp of week 42, with an induction booked for Wednesday and yeh, I’m nervous. I’ve never done this before and now it looks like I may have to do something which is already difficult in what is, reputedly, a fairly grim manner. Although the jury’s out on that, I like the sound of labouring fast, even if harder is a slightly scary verb!

Anyway, the way I see it, there’s no point my crying or railing or struggling because that’s a waste of energy, energy I’m going to need. My little one is going to arrive soon. Labour varies from woman to woman but the odds are, it is going to smart a tad and furthermore, in the days and weeks afterwards my world is going to turn upside down – in a hard way, yes but also in a good way.

If he doesn’t engage and arrive before Wednesday, being induced may well hurt more than ordinary labour. The only good thing is, this being my first, at least I won’t really know… and at the end I’ll get most of my body back and I’ll finally get to meet the little blighter!

Well, when people ask me how I feel and I tell them that, I could really do with just being jollied along or reassured – honesty is not a problem, telling me yes it hurt like hell but all things must pass is ok – and most people do just that, or say nothing.

However, there’s another element, among my friends who already have children, who seem to think that making me as frightened as they can is a helpful and constructive thing to do.

Why? Explain please?

We all know that one of the secrets to a good labour is to be as calm and relaxed as possible. These people are supposed to like and respect me so how do they believe putting me into a blue funk is likely to improve the experience?

When I tell them I’m just going to do the best I can they ask me if I fully appreciate how difficult it’s going to be or how much agony I will be in, whether I realise how important it is that I somehow force the baby to come before the hospital steps in.

When I say Mr BC and I will muddle through they ask me if I understand just what I’ve done to my life and my marriage?

Hmm… well, what do they think I am? Stupid? I’m a first time mum after 12 years of marriage at almost 40, do they really think we haven’t had time to think this through?

I know when you’re pregnant everyone thinks they own you, I appreciate you are far less likely to be treated with courtesy by people you don’t know, to be offered a seat on a bus or served first in a shop than if you are say, on crutches (I have done both). Those are strangers, though. These are my friends.

Is it me? Am I too naive or too laid back? Or is it them?

What the fuck is going on?

The worst thing is, it’s quite hurtful and it’s getting to me a bit… and I really don’t need that kind of thing right now, I have enough to concentrate on. So… I wonder, has anyone else had to put up with any of this kind of shadenfreude? It’s like they think they had a crap time and now they want to make sure I do.

Sighs. There we go. Rant over.

Fucking annoying bastards!

Oh well, on the upside, an old friend, who was given one of my names for each of her little ones, has been made a godmother and has contacted me to commission a framed name, along with three sets of flashcards!

Boo yacka!

It’ll also be something to keep my mind off the going or not going into labour conundrum next week and for the purposes of my maternity allowance my first “keeping in touch” day – I’m allowed 10.



1. mrsmetaphor - 7, June 2008

Argh…this is by far my biggest pet peeve….

BC, I’m going to tell you something that I really want you to remember no matter WHAT your labor is like…alright?

Fear is your NUMBER ONE enemy…fear. People who try to introduce more of that can and should take a flying leap and I will personally swim across the Pond and kick the arse of whomever offers FEAR up to you on a silver platter and tells you it is for your own good.

In the moment you are naturally going to be afraid. You are. You will be in pain, to what degree no one will ever know beforehand and even during or afterward no one will be able to grasp what it feels like to YOU.

In the moment you must remember to dispel the fear and so in the name of self protection (yours, I mean) I strongly recommend that you not be in contact with people who use fear as some sort of personal power play, whatever their motivation. At least until after baby comes. You don’t need this kind of interaction. It’s hard enough with the unknown…you don’t require any else’s crap to go along with it.

I don’t know why people do it…it is wrong, absolutely. Your instincts on this are CORRECT…they are spot on. This is what will serve you in your labor and in your parenting. You’re a strong and intelligent woman. You have fought hard for this baby. You have already endured much.

Listen to me, babe…
Everytime fear walks into the room, greet it…give it a nod and then give thanks that you are right here, right now, this contraction, this epidural, this pitocin, this WHATEVER….doesn’t matter….give thanks and then make ready to look into the eyes of the beautiful child who then arrives.

ok, my rant is over now. : )

I know you will do great. I know you will.

2. ali - 7, June 2008

🙂 don’t be scared BC. I know you’re going to be just fine. 🙂 besides if things become a bit of a challenge you have mr.BC!
I have 3 friends who had quick labors – like 2-3 hours only-and they all said tv was not true because it wasn’t all that painful. Their doctors told them to start taking easy walks during the week they were due. So maybe if you take walks from here on your muffin could come out sooner and quicker..also, maybe you can talk to the little one and ask for help? it’s not going to be the craziest thing you’ve done..just talk to the muffin and ask if the babe can please come out quick and easy before they have to induce..
Don’t worry! 🙂 *fingers crossed for easy birth!*

3. Geldoff - 7, June 2008

Mrs M rocks! And she’s right on.

Yes, it’s a cliche but “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.” If you expect something to hurt … then it will. But if you think to yourself “Huh, I’m hard enough (strong enough?) that I won’t let the pain be that bad.” then it won’t be. If you treat pain with *denial* then it’s not nearly as bad as if you wince in anticipation.

Now I realise that I’m a ‘mere male’ 🙂 and I’ve never experienced the pain of childbirth but (and this is not an I’ve-felt-similar-pain justification moment) I was an opening batsman (in cricket) and I often was hit on bare flesh by a 5.5 ounce very hard cricket ball travelling at 90 mph but the golden rule was: don’t rub where it hit you! (Because the bowler would see that it hurt and do it again.) The only way NOT to rub it and go “Aaaaah, ow ow ow, yaaah, that smaaaarts!” was to say to yourself: “That didn’t hurt.” and push the pain away; ie convince yourself that it didn’t hurt.

After all, pain is a mental thing. Your brain feels the pain so if you tell your brain to ignore the sensation it knows as pain then it’s a lot easier. Don’t let the people who want you to think that it’ll be painful wind you up. After all, millions of women give birth every week and if the pain was that bad then word would’ve got round by now and the birth-thang wouldn’t be so popular would it?!

Hope this helps, BC.

4. Kat - 7, June 2008

Hm, I always tell my friends, it’s the most painful thing you can imagine BUT that you’ll have a far higher threshold for pain than you can even imagine. For me, knowing it was going to be bad but that you can ride the pain really helped, or I would’ve given up after, oh, the first hour! So yes, painful as hell, but not insurmountable, and even if becomes unbearable, there’s always the epidural, no matter how unfashionable it may be.

I agree with mrsmetaphor that fear is the #1 enemy. For me, knowing other people have gone through the same process and come out relatively unscathed helped a lot. It’s amazing how rational your brain can be during labour (even with the drugs).

However, scaring pregnant women without reassuring them, or worse, questioning their decision to have a baby is twatish behaviour, IMHO. The best advice I can give (as if you needed any more) is to relax. Even with the pain. The whole thing is a marathon, and the less energy you expend in the beginning (including the worrying before labour actually begins), the more energy you’ll have for the truly challenging bits. I think maybe part of the difficulty in being induced is that you go through most of labour in the hospital, which in itself can be more stressful than relaxing at home for the first few hours. So maybe if you bring stuff to help you feel more comfy and less…hospitalised, it might help.

Not long to go now! Every time I see a BC post on my feedreader, I get excited.

5. Mrs. Nicklebee - 8, June 2008

Yeah, what they said.

NO ONE can tell you how much it’s going to hurt FOR YOU. Everyone is different and you won’t know until you’re going through it how it’s going to be. And if it hurts, you have options! I know that medication is frowned upon by many people, but there is still that. There’s ~no shame whatsoever~ in requesting an epidural.

With my first child, I was induced, and I was determined to go “natural” with pain management, but I ended up requesting an epidural. Even with that, the labor was only about 5 hours, and my son was fine.

With my second child, I wanted as many drugs as possible, x2 because I am more sensitive to pain than most people, but I didn’t get anything because he was born 39 minutes after I arrived at the hospital.

You just never know what’s going to happen, but give yourself permission to do things your way, to change your mind, and to not feel guilty about whatever you end up doing.

As Mrs. M said, I would avoid those horribly inconsiderate people who don’t care whether they scare you to death or not.


6. magneto bold too - 8, June 2008

Sweetie, people suck.

I tell my friends that yes it does hurt but it is less than a day of pain for a lifetime of wonderfulness. Will be thinking of you on Wednesday, the most wonderful emotional day of your life!

I can’t wait to see pics.

7. babychaos - 9, June 2008

Everyone, thank you. I absolutely agree with the main gist of all of you, that a) people can really suck and b) that fear is the biggest enemy.

The way I see it, I’ve never experienced labour, I’m not going to know if I have a particularly painful experience or not unless I do it again and it all goes really well and then I might realise. What will be will be and yeh, as Magneto says, it’s just a day out of your life. I know I can do pain and I’m surprisingly calm. What will be will be and I will cope. I’ll just take it one moment at a time.



8. noble savage - 9, June 2008

I bet you go into labour tonight or in the early hours of Tuesday. I’ve heard so many women say that their babies came the day before they were meant to be induced. The can hear in there, ya know! 😉

Good luck BC and don’t let the naysayers get ya’ down.

9. mrsmetaphor - 9, June 2008

in any case you’ll have a baby this week, love.
: )

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