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New E-Short 3, August 2010

Posted by babychaos in writing.
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Yes, I’ve a new freebie short story for you… it’s not my best work but I was experimenting with being surreal. I like writing like that but it doesn’t always work for everyone else!

Anyway, it’s on Smashwords, here. Enjoy!

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Babychaos… 1, August 2010

Posted by babychaos in baby stuff, General Wittering, Life and living, Light Fluff, Mini Me, Mum.
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Interesting couple of days…

Junior’s latest trick. I go to the loo, he follows me in the loo with a chair and the loveliest, most beatific of smiles. He drags the chair to just in front of me.

“I sit down.” he says and then does. He then proceeds to help himself to tiny pieces of loo paper which he posts between my legs, or behind me.

Heaven forfend that I should dare to flush without his assistance. The we wash our hands. A few days ago he forgets the chair as he’s closing the door he makes to go get it so I say, “don’t worry, we can leave it there.”

Ha pauses for thought.

“Bye-bye chair,” he says. Another pause. “Bye-by wee, Bye-bye poo,” and he shuts the door.

This morning, in church, he emptied my wallet, arranging the credit cards, receipts, books of stamps etc, across the pew. He then starts to post things through the gap between two floorboards. I have to retrieve a train ticket with the tweezers from my penknife but luckily it turns out I’ve clocked what’s happening in time and nothing else of import has gone missing.

Then there’s the grandparents, Gramma and Pappa van (because they have a camper) and Ganny and Pops well here you have to quack like a duck and blow a raspberry. I fear I’m rather eccentric to have children.

Arse! 5, July 2010

Posted by babychaos in Adult Content, General Wittering, Grumpy Old Bag, Small Scale Disasters, whinging.
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The little rat arsed drunken bastards who scream their way up my street every Friday and Saturday night (oh for a water cannon… or a megaphone, a few rounds of “shut the fuck up you loud mouthed prick” followed by high velocity squirting would be very satisfying) have stolen one of our green balls again only this time they’ve hidden it more thoroughly and my efforts to get it back have proved fruitless.

I’ll have to go back to hanging baskets which die because I forget to water them or buy another pair of balls which is annoying because they’re fucking expensive… When I do, I’m thinking I should fill them with dog pooh… or Chewie’s, perhaps! At least that way there’s a chance the little shits who nick the next one will get wiels disease. I mean bloody hell! When I was young, we nicked street furniture, we stole from THE MAN! Nobody stole stuff from real people even if we thought they were rich which, presumably because we have the temerity to live in a big house, is what’s happening to here…

Oh dear, there I go getting fed up with the resident in-laws for their apparent view that everyone, in the entire world who is under 25 or who sees the world in a way that is the tiniest bit different from them is devoid of any redeeming features and may as well be put in prison straight away and I go and say that…

No, actually I never said that all young people are feckless bastards… but by the laws of averages, some of the feckless bastards will have to be young people. It’s unfortunate that they’re the ones who walk home down my street every Friday and Saturday night.

Tossers.

Fuck off! I mean it. 1, July 2010

Posted by babychaos in Adult Content.
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I got some spam today from the Fascists… well… there’s a turn up. It said this…

“We are european fascists ! Fight for racial purity ! Our time begins! We are strong and can build new Reich! Join to us! We call on all people visit out sites. On them you will find information about war against system! Sieg heil fascist, nordic nazi! Adresses of our sites you can see below:  http://www.I’mnotdignifyingitwithalink.com

The Third Reich was a bollocks place to live and I’m pretty sure that the Belarussians (not sure how to describe them in the plural) were actually on the receiving end weren’t they? Is this that thing where you learn to love your kidnapper? Or are they  hoping to recreate the Reich and give themselves a really thorough kicking? – Zis time ve vill be bedder planned for ze winter.

I’d probably be more inclined to believe they had a coherent argument if they could spell.

More things… 14, June 2010

Posted by babychaos in baby stuff, Life and living, Mini Me, Mom, Mum, toddlers.
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Have just been to France with Mr BC and Mini Me, leaving in-laws here. They’re bedding in nicely, there have been some heart to hearts and we are gradually shaking down and getting used to one another.

Arriving on the first day in France, Mr BC went out to buy some snacks. I put Mini-Me down for a rest. The room was great, a little room for him and a big one for us. So I popped him down and amongst the other burblings heard.

“Lamp…”

Long pause.

“I see lamp.”

Another long pause.

“Sing to lamp.”

Cue several circuits of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Later Mr BC and I heard.

“I love Muggy” (that’s me, he can’t say Mummy). “I love Daddy.”

Pause.

“Daddy loves me…” pause… “Muggy loves me…”

Bless him.